Ben’s Extraordinary Experiment!
A play in two acts
Rich Espey
410.825.4353
Ben’s Extraordinary Experiment!
A play in two acts
Characters
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN,
70, patriot and member of United States Commission in
MADAME
Anne-Louise Boivin D’Hardancourt
BRILLON de Jouy,
33,
Charles Gravier, Comte de VERGENNES, 60, French foreign minister.
Sarah “SALLY” Franklin Bache, 34,
JOHN ADAMS, 42,
patriot and member of United States Commission in
MADAME Anne-Catherine de Ligniville HELVETIUS, 58, a noble widow and close friend.
WILLIAM FRANKLIN,
various ages,
DEBORAH FRANKLIN,
THE GOUT, a female.
MESSENGER
MONSIEUR Claude-Adrien HELVETIUS, deceased
VARIOUS OTHER VOICES
All female characters can be played by one woman. All male
characters besides
Time
1777, and earlier.
Place
(A dark stage. A flash of light illuminates Benjamin Franklin,
70.)
The tempest rages, but let the experiment be made.
(Lightning and thunder. The stage remains dark except for occasional flashes.)
The frigate pitches so that we can barely sleep.
The British army edges closer to
Thirty days of salt beef bring forth boils to vex me, and
the scurf rash extends all the small of my back, on my sides, my legs and my
arms, besides what continues under my hair. What other food we eat is too tough
for teeth of a man who has already reached the promised age of
The tempest rages and I am plagued with gout and kidney
stones.
The British navy controls the ocean. We are several times chased on our passage but outsail everything.
By running in the night we escape notice of the enemy’s privateers.
We risk disaster. We approach
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Get you below, Dr. Franklin!
Captain, I once discovered that a little oil, not more than a teaspoonful, dropped on a rough pond spreads itself with surprising swiftness upon the surface and produces instant calm, making the pond as smooth as a looking glass.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE
Get you below, Dr. Franklin!
But my idea is that by continually pouring oil into the sea,
the waves might be so much lessened before they reach the shore, as to abate
the violence of the surf and permit a landing, which in such circumstances may
justify the expense of oil that might be required for the purpose.
(Some light lets us see the experiment.)
We experiment, pouring oil continually out of a large stone bottle, through a hole in the cork somewhat bigger than a goose quill.
(beat)
The experiment has not the success we wish.
(More Thunder. More Lightning.)
No material difference is observed in the height or force of
the surf.
It may be of use to relate the circumstances even of an experiment that does not succeed, since they may give hints of amendment in future trials.
Future trials.
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Grandfather, come down below! Please, Grandfather!
And I relate to him the tale of the key and the kite, an experiment which was the success I wished, that I flew with my son William, an experiment that was not the success I wished.
If we land in
Let the experiment be made.
(More Thunder. More Lightning.
Then quiet, lights rise a little.)
“Land! Land!”
In less than an hour we can descry it from the deck, appearing like tufts of
trees. I can not discern it so soon as the rest; my eyes are dimmed with the
suffusion of two small drops of joy. Thank you my guardian angel.
Were I a Roman Catholic, perhaps I should on this occasion
vow to build a chapel to some saint. But as I am not, if I were to vow at all
it should be to build a lighthouse. I resolve to encourage the building of more
of them in
Yet I fear I shall not.
I am demolished from this crossing and for all I know
(FRANKLIN has a twinge of gout, then sits
quietly.)
Fear not Death, for the sooner we die, the longer shall we
be immortal.
(There is a long pause as
MAN’S VOICE
The day is short, the work great. Up, then, and be doing!
WOMAN’S VOICE
O Lazy Bones! Dost thou think God would have given thee arms
and legs if he had not designed thou shouldst use
them!
MAN’S VOICE
Up, Sluggard, and waste not life. In the grave will be sleeping enough.
WOMAN’S VOICE
The sleeping fox catches no poultry, Up! Up!
MAN’S VOICE
No man ever was glorious who was not laborious!
WOMAN’S VOICE
Dost thou love life? Then Do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of!
MAN’S VOICE
Have you something to do tomorrow? Do it today!!
WOMAN’S VOICE
One today is worth two tomorrows!
THE MAN AND THE WOMAN
God helps them that help themselves!
(
To John Hancock. Dear Sir. Although
our crossing was difficult, you and the Congress shall be pleased to hear of
our safe arrival in Passy, a delightful suburb of
(Harpsichord music. MADAME BRILLON, 33, is there.)
And of all the charms
BRILLON
Monsieur Franklin has recovered from his long journey, no?
The trials of the journey recede into memory in the presence of such delightful neighbors.
BRILLON
The air of Passy appears to have made a young man out of him.
That and a warm bath three times a week. And the pleasure of the company of Madame Brillon. She has been so kind to entertain him with her delightful concerts and the games of chess.
BRILLON
It is Madame’s exquisite honor to be able to show him the
gratitude of all
(BRILLON produces a gift, a snuffbox, and extends it to
No, thank you. Temperance.
BRILLON
A gift, Monsieur! From la Rue Mouffetard... look at the box.
Ah, yes, yes. It is a very good likeness of me.
BRILLON
And not only snuffboxes! His likeness is everywhere! Clay
medallions! Pictures! Busts! In
It is said that the word doll is derived from the word idol. From the number of dolls now made of me, I may be truly said to be i-doll-ized in this country!
Humility.
(
Forgive your friend this vanity. No matter how much I struggle with pride, beat it down, stifle it, it will every now and then peep out and show itself. And we must remember that popular favor is a most uncertain thing.
BRILLON
Monsieur’s popularity has no rival!
Still, I blush at having valued myself so much upon it.
BRILLON
Why should he blush? There is scarcely a coachman, a kitchen
scullion or a lady’s chambermaid who is not familiar with his name. And as for
the ladies...they now wear wigs in the style of his fur cap. It is known as the
coiffure a la
Then I gratefully accept your judgment. If someday I completely overcome my pride, I should probably be proud of my humility.
BRILLON
He should be proud, he who gave us the lightning rod and made us safe from nature’s wrath! Such a friend humanity has never seen! He who snatched lightning from the sky! And now he snatches the scepter from the tyrant.
But the tyrant’s scepter is not yet firmly in our grasp.
BRILLON
That is true...But the battle is not quite won. Nonetheless,
with the people of
BRILLON
Snatch it they shall! She shall. You shall.
I have no doubt that we shall.
BRILLON
How could it be otherwise? The stupid British...I have heard they believe that Monsieur Franklin is here in France to oversee the transport of a giant chain from Calais to Dover and that with an electric machine of his own invention will convey a lightning strike that will overturn all of Great Britain!
I have also heard the British spies claim I am erecting a great number of reflecting mirrors on the coast which will focus the rays of the sun on the British navy and set it on fire.
BRILLON
Or that he is here to spread oil on the water to still waves in some places and stir up storms in others!
(
Whence come these rumors I am sure I can not say.
(HE makes a mark on his slates.)
Sincerity.
BRILLON
Then surely Monsieur must be exhausted from all his experiments!...And since Madame does wish to provide the great man with more moments of relaxation to restore him... perhaps he will dine more often with her and her family?
He would be delighted!
BRILLON
Yet she does not wish to tire him...
He is nearly restored!
BRILLON
Then she wishes to have the pleasure of seeing him as often as his constitution will allow!
Nothing would please him more than to hear those delicate tones that pour forth from her fingers.
BRILLON
Oh, it is a real source of joy for Madame Brillon to think that she can sometimes amuse Monsieur Franklin!
She does more than amuse Monsieur Franklin.
BRILLON
What more does she do?
She provides him with that great source of comfort a man most needs when far from his family.
BRILLON
How they must suffer without him! His poor wife –
Alas, Mrs. Franklin undertook her final journey some years
ago. She is now in
BRILLON
But Monsieur does have a son with him, no?
A child can not give the same comfort as a wife.
BRILLON
It must be very hard.
It is very hard.
BRILLON
Poor Monsieur. Madame Brillon has an idea!
A “Brillon” idea?
BRILLON
Madame knows what Monsieur Franklin loves most.
She does?
BRILLON
He loves his Scottish melodies. She shall compose some in the same style, just for Monsieur!
Monsieur is most deeply honored.
BRILLON
And Madame will perform them for him...when he comes to dine with her and her husband. On Sunday?
On Sundays he dines with Madame LeRoy.
BRILLON
Oh. Monday, then?
On Mondays he dines with Madame Chaumont.
BRILLON
Tuesday, then?
Madame Helvetius.
BRILLON
Oh. Of course. Monsieur is much too busy.
My dear child, please understand.
BRILLON
Madame understands.
I should be delighted to dine with you on Wednesday.
BRILLON
Monsieur! It will be an honor and a delight! And it will
give Madame more time to compose her melodies for Monsieur. And
for her to encourage Monsieur Brillon to make a
further contribution to the American cause.
How kind of you. And how kind of Monsieur Brillon who has already made such generous contributions...our brave forces even braver with French muskets and French balls!
BRILLON
A small price to pay for so great a cause.
Your husband, I believe, is well acquainted with Count Vergennes, the foreign secretary to his majesty?
BRILLON
Well acquainted, Monsieur.
A word on our behalf, then? I am to begin negotiations with Count Vergennes shortly.
(VERGENNES, foreign secretary for King Louis XVI, is there.)
BRILLON
Monsieur Brillon will see to it. Oh! And when Monsieur Franklin is presented at Court he must be certain to bow in the French manner.
(BRILLON demonstrates a deep, slow bow at which
I shall endeavor to remember that. Perhaps Madame Brillon would be so kind as to instruct me one more time?
(SHE repeats the deep bow. HE gapes again.)
I shall not forget, I assure you.
BRILLON
Is there anything else? Anything at all Madame can do for Monsieur?
Just one other thing. She may permit him to kiss her.
(SHE turns her back to him.)
Has Monsieur offended? He is deeply sorry...
(HE opens his slates once more and makes a mark.)
Chastity.
BRILLON
Monsieur, in France the ladies prefer to be “embrassé”, that is, to have their necks kissed, for kissing lips here is rude and kissing the cheek may rub off the paint.
(HE kisses her neck in the French style. As he is doing so, VERGENNES
clear his throat.
BRILLON
Au revoir, Papa!
(BRILLON is gone.)
Papa, indeed!
Count Vergennes. I am most grateful your Excellency has honored me with a reception.
(
VERGENNES
The honor is mine, Monsieur, to meet the great man who snatched lightning from the sky and the scepter from the tyrant! Your voyage was a smooth one?
The tyrant sent his privateers to chase us down, but British ships are no match for the American design.
VERGENNES
I am glad to hear it. Most of the reports we receive indicate otherwise.
Reports from the British?
VERGENNES
Oui.
The wise man believes half of what he hears.
VERGENNES
Our little scheme is working well? The shipments arrive safely?
Quite safely, Monsieur. And
VERGENNES
Ah...I see.
(
Your Excellency, we agree, I think, that
VERGENNES
She is an avid enemy. Ambitious, unjust, brimming with bad
faith! Seeking always the humiliation and ruin of
As she seeks the humiliation and ruin of
VERGENNES
Monsieur Franklin...
Your Excellency, if
VERGENNES
That is correct, Monsieur Franklin. In theory. But one small hazard of our current peace is that our forces are fully unprepared to engage the British.
How could
(
VERGENNES
The likeness is remarkable.
Your Excellency, may I share with you a personal story?
VERGENNES
By all means.
Like
My point is that a man is sometimes more generous when he has but a little than when he has plenty, perhaps through fear of being thought to have little.
(
VERGENNES
I understand the analogy, Monsieur. And
Win a battle?
VERGENNES
Correct me if I am wrong, but your American troops have yet to win a decisive victory.
That depends upon how you wish to define victory.
VERGENNES
Monsieur Franklin, surely you can understand that we do not wish to place our money on a losing proposition.
Your Excellency, it is with a formal alliance and the
additional money and supplies they provide that we shall be able to secure the
tactical victories of which
VERGENNES
Then we are at a crossroads, as you say, Monsieur.
Allow me to speak freely, your Excellency.
VERGENNES
Fatal consequences?
If the Congress can not assure that
VERGENNES
They can not hang you if you are in
Much of my family remains in
VERGENNES
Surely you must understand that it is never in any nation’s advantage to support a losing cause?
(
Our cause is not a losing one. We fight for the dignity and
happiness of human nature, to create an asylum of liberty for all in
VERGENNES
(after
a long pause) I shall arrange for you to be presented at Court. I do not
think His Majesty will permit a formal alliance, but perhaps there will be
something.
Thank you, your Excellency.
VERGENNES
I urge you to not ask for too much. His majesty likes to say “no”.
Thank you, your Excellency. (pause) I do have one small concern about that meeting.
VERGENNES
Yes?
A small indiscretion from my youth...when I was a young printer I published an almanac which contained pleasantries and witticisms.
VERGENNES
Ah, oui, Bonhomme Richard. It is widely read here.
There is one of Poor Richard’s sayings that I pray his majesty not take too seriously...
VERGENNES
Ah, I know it. “The greatest monarch on the proudest throne
is obliged to sit upon his own arse.” I doubt he read
it. He reads very little. But you should not worry. The King is amused by your
celebrity. It is my belief that King Louis is personally as fond of you as are
the rest of the people of
How do you know?
VERGENNES
He himself gave Madame Helvetius a porcelain chamber pot with your cameo embossed inside. I have no doubt she will show you when you next dine with her, if you ask politely.
(VERGENNES is gone. Madame HELVETIUS, 60, is there, carrying a chamber
pot.)
My Dear Madame Helvetius,
HELVETIUS
(showing
him the chamber pot) How you like,
It is indeed remarkable, Madame.
HELVETIUS
How I look?
Vous paraitrez a cent ans sortir des mains de la Nature. How is my French?
HELVETIUS
I look one hundred years old?
When you’re a hundred you’ll look as though from nature’s bosom you just sprang out.
(Madame HELVETIUS rushes to kiss
HELVETIUS
How I love to pass my days with
Turgot?
HELVETIUS
Finance minister to the king. He wishes to marry me, but I say no.
The king?
HELVETIUS
No, silly! Turgot. You must talk to him. He is the one person who truly has the ear of the king.
I would have thought only Queen Marie-Antoinette truly had the ear of the king?
HELVETIUS
She has only his naughty bit, and she is not the only one! Come, you sit by me tonight!
(JOHN ADAMS, 43, is there.)
Who is your friend?
Madame Helvetius, this is Mr. John Adams, another representative of our Congress.
(perfect French) C’est un plaisir de faire votre connaissance, Madame.
(
HELVETIUS
(Madame HELVETIUS kisses
We eat!
(THEY sit. HELVETIUS locks hands with FRANKLIN,
throws her arms around his neck, etc.)
How you like my straw hat? I wear it to remind my guests of
the simple charms of
Do you hear that, Mr. Adams? There is surely no salon in all
of
HELVETIUS
You flatter me too much,
(SHE embraces him again.)
I am greatly astonished at this conduct.
In this lady you should see a genuine Frenchwoman, wholly free from affectation or stiffness of behavior.
I never wish for an acquaintance with ladies of this cast.
She is one of the best women in the world!! (to HELVETIUS) I have in my way been trying to form some hypothesis to account for your having so many friends and of such various kinds. I see that statesmen, philosophers, historians, poets and men of learning of all sorts attach themselves to you as straws to a fine piece of amber...
HELVETIUS
Surely you can understand it – you who discovered the laws of electrical attraction! (SHE makes lightning noises.) ZZZZZZZZZ!!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!
(A yipping dog is heard.)
Poupon! (to
(Madame HELVETIUS and FRANKLIN exchange blown goodbye kisses, etc., and
Madame HELVETIUS is gone.)
Such a striking character...
Is it proper, Doctor, to be so often in the company of a still attractive widow who lives with and supports two abbots and a bachelor twenty years younger than herself?
The bachelor is thirty years younger than she. Oh, to be forty again...
(looking off) I see that her little lap dog has wet the floor...and she is wiping it up with her chemise.
Such artless simplicity...
And this is one of your most intimate friends, with whom you now dine every week!
She is a treasure, no?
Doctor Franklin, I must object in the strongest possible
terms to this lifestyle in which I find you engaged. General Burgoyne is at
this moment heading down the
It is my intention, while I stay here, Mr. Adams, to procure what advantages I can for our country, by endeavoring to please this court and its influential people.
(
It appears you have procured nothing save the gout, which is
not surprising considering each of your evenings is spent drinking wine, playing
cards and chess and hearing the ladies sing and play upon their pianofortes! You
come home at all hours from nine to
Early to bed, early to rise –
It is late when you breakfast and as soon as breakfast is
over a crowd of carriages filled with your admirers comes to your lodgings to
see the great
That is untrue, sir. I wear my fur cap on most days.
And what lodgings they find you in! Their magnificence! The
exorbitant rent such lodgings must cost the American public!
No rent is being charged at all. Monsieur Chaumont is contributing to the American cause.
But are you? You are invited to dine out every day and never decline!
You are always invited to dine with me, John.
I find it necessary to send apologies that I might have time to study the French language and the business of the mission.
Mr. Adams, in your study of French have you learned the word fleuretter?
I am as yet unacquainted with the word.
Fleuretter is the word from which we derive our word “flirt”. Literally it means to tell little flowers, to toss bouquets, part of a very old game with no written rules that nonetheless need to be mastered. In procuring an alliance, winning the women to one’s side is a good part of the battle.
You appear little like a warrior, Doctor. Perhaps you recall
that in
In France, Mr. Adams, it is vulgar to look busy.
You once thought business a virtue, or so you wrote, but now I see that the business of our commission will never be done unless I do it.
Mr. Adams, a packet leaves tomorrow laden with blankets, uniforms and shoes, all obtained through the generosity of the friends of Madame Helvetius. And tomorrow marks the publication of the Declaration of Independence in French.
In currying favor with a king, do you think it wise to circulate a document which encourages an open act of revolt of common people against their monarch?
(Lights change. Music to indicate that we are at
(halting French) Je suis heureux, Monsieur et Madame, de cette occasion de presenter a votre Majeste, les respects et les affections de toute les Etats de l’Amerique.”
We propose a treaty of amity and commerce between
It is a large request, I know, but we are fighting for the
dignity and happiness of human nature. Glorious it is for the Americans to be
called by
Ah, you have news of
Your majesty, you mistake the matter. Instead of Howe taking
(We hear a door slam.)
La Philadelphie, Dr. Franklin.
I do not have the time to look up all those masculines and feminines in the dictionary, Mr. Adams. For sixty years, now, masculine and feminine things have been giving me a lot of trouble.
It appears to be the feminines that are causing the most trouble.
I used to hope that at the age of 70 I would be free of all
that, but here I am and those French feminines are
still bothering me. It will make me all the happier to go to
While you are contemplating the next world, Dr. Franklin, I am contemplating this one.
I would appreciate in the future that when there are bills for us to sign I not have to wait several days before I can procure your signature to them.
(
You may dispatch them to my secretary, Mr. Adams.
I was not even aware that you had a –
I have a wonderful secretary. My son.
Your son? You mean your grandson.
Yes, of course, my grandson.
I trust you will attend to them now? Unless perhaps a wave of your electric wand will make them disappear? Enjoy your game of chess tonight!
(
Can it truly be more simple to
snatch lightning from the sky than the scepter from the tyrant?
When I was a young man, lightning had the power to terrify.
(
But Nature has such an elegant system of order, once understood. The glass rod is electrised positively and the piece of silk negatively.
(
And it occurred to me that lightning might be simply these gentle charges writ large, which need merely to be conducted into a safe and useful pathway. That God in his goodness may provide us with gifts to secure our own salvation.
Let the experiment be made!
(Lightning and thunder, wind.
Are you there, William?
WILLIAM
Yes, Father!
A thunder gust appears to be coming on! Stay in the shed! Take care that the silk ribbon does not become wet!
WILLIAM
Be careful, father!
You’re the one holding the kite, William!
WILLIAM
You’re quite sure this is safe?
As Poor Richard said, “Wish not so much to live long as to live well.”
WILLIAM
Father!
“Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.”
WILLIAM
It’s the lightning I don’t trust! But very well.
“Let thy child’s first lesson be obedience, and the second may be what thou wilt.”
WILLIAM
Is there anything?
I see nothing. Perhaps the wire -
WILLIAM
Look, father, the twine! Its hairs are standing up!
Has the rain wet it thoroughly?
WILLIAM
Yes, it has!
I shall hold my knuckle to the key....
(Lightning and thunder.)
WILLIAM
Father? Father??!!
A plentiful stream of sparks! I shall see what I can collect with the phial!
WILLIAM
Oh, Father, you’re all right!! You’ve done it! You’ve done it!
A key and a kite...a wire no bigger than a goose quill...all that is needed to snatch lightning from the sky!
(The storm has passed.)
God in his goodness did indeed provide us with gifts to secure our own salvation.
And thank you my guardian angel.
(sighing) Oh, William...
(The MESSENGER enters and hands
News from
MESSENGER
From your daughter.
You opened it?
MESSENGER
Not I, sir! The British spies!
(The MESSENGER exits. FRANKLIN reads the letter as SALLY, his daughter,
34, dressed in a simple Colonial dress, enters.)
SALLY
My dear Father, I hope this letter finds you well recovered from your journey.
Dear Sally, if you knew how happy your letters make me I think you would write oftener.
SALLY
I write as often as I can, Father. We are very busy here, as you might imagine. We must now do all of our own spinning and weaving. I think you would be proud of the tablecloths I have spun.
I do commend you, my dear child, on your industry.
SALLY
Flax , however, has grown so expensive. Everything it seems has grown tremendously in price. A pair of gloves is seven dollars, a yard of common gauze is twenty-four.
The high taxes which are necessary to support the war make our frugality necessary.
SALLY
While we are indeed sacrificing greatly, I am wondering if
it would it be possible for you to send some linen from
You are in need of French linen? Surely the sheep in
SALLY
I am thinking of the summer. By the time it arrives -
Sally, when I was a child of seven I was charmed by the sound of another boy’s whistle, and I gave all my money for it. When I came home, much pleased and whistling all over the house, my brothers and sisters told me I had given four times as much for it as it was worth and put me in mind of what good things I might have bought with the rest of the money. They laughed at me with such folly that I cried with vexation and the reflection gave me more chagrin than the whistle gave me pleasure. This however was useful, and when I am tempted to buy some unnecessary thing I say to myself, “Do not give too much for the whistle.” And I save my money.
SALLY
Father, it now requires a fortune to maintain a family in a very plain way. And you do have a new grandchild.
You have had him inoculated for smallpox, I trust.
SALLY
Yes, Father. But we are in a desperate situation. With six children now... I would not ask if...
Very well, my dear