Bottom Dollar

By Rich Espey

Bottom Dollar

Originally produced by The Mobtown Players on December 3, 2004.

BOTTOM DOLLAR premiered at the Mobtown Theatre, produced by The Mobtown Players. It was directed by Jim Page. The cast was as follows:

Jason...............................................................................................................Tony Gallahan

Ramon..........................................................................................................Matt Baughman

Sylvia............................................................................................................Laura Williams

Glo............................................................................................................Anika Baty-Foster

Barbara.............................................................................................Kelly Meridith McPhee

Henry...................................................................................................................David Deal

Big Sam.................................................................................................................Bob Perry

Little Sam...................................................................................................Reece Thornbery

Miss Pendarvis..............................................................................................Lindsay Kelley

Nancy...............................................................................................................Pam Feldman

Bottom Dollar

By Rich Espey

A comedy in two acts

Time

Christmas season

Place

The Break Room of X-Mart store #1464 in Crassley, PA.

Act One

Scene One

(The break room of X-Mart store #1464 in Crassley, PA. There are some tables, folding chairs, a coffee machine. A video monitor hangs on the back wall. Along the walls there are signs like “Unions are bad for workers!!”, “Report a non-conformist now!”, “Personal photocopies cost money from YOUR paycheck! It isn’t tattling if it saves YOU money!”, “Post-Its and Pencils don’t grow on trees - Did you pay for them?”, “You WANT an Uncle Sam!”, “In Sam We Trust”. If possible, these slogans can be projected onto the back wall in succession throughout the play. There is a little Christmas tree in the room as well. As the lights go up we hear the X-Mart jingle: “X-Mart knows what you want, and we give it to you good!” Jason is attempting to lead a cheer in front of Ramon, Glo, Barb and Sylvia. Sylvia is decorating a little tree, and she hums the X-Mart jingle as well.)

Jason

Gimme an X! (Sylvia responds, but the others barely respond.) I can’t hear you! Gimme an X! (employees respond a bit louder.) Come on you guys! Where’s that X-mart spirit?

Ramon

Come on, Jason, I was unloading till ten o’clock last night.

Jason

Ramon, did you read the chapter?

Ramon

Who has time to read? It’s quarter to six in the morning, for Christ’s sake.

Sylvia

Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, Ramon.

Jason

Did anyone read the chapter (He holds up a book) on the meaning of Christmas? Barb? Glo?

Sylvia

I read it, Jason, and I found it inspirational. Sam Exton is a gifted writer as well as a gifted entrepreneur.

Jason

Thank you, Syl. Where’s Henry?

Glo

Probably still in his turkey coma.

Jason

Has anyone seen Henry? No? Now let me hear it! Gimme an X! (a bit bigger X is heard.) Gimme a squiggly! (He squiggles.) Come on, Barb, gimme a squiggly! (He squiggles at her.)

Barb

Watch it.

Ramon

Uh-oh! Trouble in paradise!

Glo

You hush up, Ramon!

Jason

Gimme an M! Gimme an A! Gimme an R! Gimme a T! What does that spell? X-Mart!! (Barb makes a mildly obscene gesture.)

Glo

You ought to be glad you got a job, Barb.

Jason

All right, everybody. Today is big time! Yeah! I’m sure you all saw that line when you came in.

Barb

Bunch of idiots.

Sylvia

They’re just early bird shoppers! I’d be there myself.

Jason

There is no doubt that this will be our busiest and biggest day of the year. I’m not going to kid you. This is one long day –

Barb

Damn right it’s long. I get to work a double today.

Glo

Oh, I’ll work a double. Let me take her second shift, Jason.

Jason

Thanks, Glo, but I’m the manager. I make the decisions.

Glo

Why can’t I work a double?

Jason

We’re short in ladies today.

Barb

Yeah, right, like this has nothing to do with –

Jason

Don’t tell me –

Barb

Forget it. Just forget it.

Ramon

Can you two please check your personal issues at the door?

Jason

And you’re not trained in ladies.

Glo

She’s a refolder. Any idiot can refold sweaters. No offense, honey. She doesn’t want to work it, I’ll work. And anyway, how come you got people working doubles, and you won’t hire my husband?

Barb

Supposedly it’s my punishment for time theft, Glo.

Ramon

You know you’re not allowed to talk to other team members on the sales floor, Barb. That’s why it’s great out on the loading dock. Managers never come out there when it’s busy.

Sylvia

And I love this day. Seems like everybody in Crassley shows up the day after Thanksgiving. Just like the old days, when everyone would be bustling down Main Street...well, almost like the old days. The tree’s nearly done, dumpling.

Jason

We’re at work, Mom, OK?

Sylvia

Don’t snap at me, Jason. Ever since you became manager -

Jason

I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry – Christmas is stressful, we all know that. Now we gotta remember what the season is all about. That’s why I wanted you to read Big Sam Exton’s chapter on the meaning of Christmas for X-Mart. Now there’s a whole bunch of people out there already, and we know what they’re looking for.

Sylvia

Friendly, courteous service at phantasmagorically low prices.

Jason

Not only that, Syl. What have we all been waiting for? What does every one of those guests want to take home with them? Here it is...(he takes out an action figure doll about half a foot tall that looks like Uncle Sam.)

Glo

That’s it?

Sylvia

I thought it would be bigger.

Jason

That’s the beauty of it. Six inches of comfort and joy. Soft and plush on the outside, a technological marvel on the inside.

Barb

I can not believe people are lined up to buy that.

Sylvia

Why not? I think it’s awful cute. It’s so patriotic. And fluffy.

Jason

That’s the comfort.

Ramon

It is the most amazing invention ever. It’s a combination cell phone, digital camera, personal organizer and garage door opener and, more importantly, it’s the first completely universal remote that operates every known audiovisual appliance sold in America – TV’s, VCR’s, DVD’s –

Jason

That’s the joy. You just open Uncle Sam’s coat here...

Glo

My Tyrell’s been begging me for one of these! There better be some left by the time I get off.

Sylvia

Leave it to X-Mart to come up with the perfect toy for children and for grown-ups! (Jason tries to demonstrate by pointing the Uncle Sam at the monitor. A phone rings instead.)

Jason

Oh well. Anyway, imagine the joy of watching children’s faces light up on Christmas morning when they unwrap their very own Uncle Sam. Sam Exton calls that the heartlight moment, and those are the moments that you, the team members, make happen. What do we have Ramon? Twelve gross?

Ramon

Give or take...

Jason

And they’re in every department for easy access and for impulse buys, and don’t forget, they’re only 39.95 for the first twenty customers.

Glo

And after that?

Jason

One nineteen ninety-five.

Ramon

It’s still phantasmagorically low.

Barb

Some poor Chinese laborer got paid less than a dollar to make that.

Sylvia

Madge Singletary’s in line for me. Been there since Tuesday. Missed her Thanksgiving dinner and everything.

Barb

It’s shameful!

Ramon

It’s amazing, and it works so good! Last night I was...doing nothing...

Barb

And they’re marketing this to little kids?

Glo

Oh, yes. You can play video games with it, too.

Ramon

You just pop out his little joystick, like this –

Sylvia

Oh my!

Glo

My Tyrell can’t stop talking about it. They got a black one?

Jason

It’s Uncle Sam.

Glo

Why does Uncle Sam have to be white?

Jason

Because it’s supposed to be kind of like a cross between Uncle Sam and Big Sam Exton. Who is white.

Glo

I know he’s white.

Barb

These buttons are a choking hazard.

Jason

Not again, Barb.

Barb

I can’t believe they’re marketing this as a plush children’s toy with these buttons which could easily be swallowed...

Ramon

Who would put Big Sam Exton in their mouth? That’s disgusting?

Barb

And it’s clearly coated with dibutyl phthalate which if sucked can leach into a person’s blood stream and cause serious brain damage.

Henry

(entering) I’m sorry I’m late. It was tough to get past the crowd, and then I got confused and took a wrong turn between livestock and the beauty salon.

Sylvia

How is Madge holding up?

Henry

She offered herself to me if I’d let her in the back door.

Jason

It’s like two minutes to six, Henry.

Henry

Don’t worry. I’m ready. “Welcome to X-cellent X-mas at X-mart.” (banging, chanting heard offstage.)

Jason

Quick, Henry - what department are the Uncle Sams in?

Henry

Uhh...Every department!

Jason

How many people get ‘em cheap?

Henry

First twenty!

Jason

Attaboy, Henry! Gimme a squiggly! (He does.)

Barb

Ridiculous.

Jason

(pointing to her chest) What’s that?

Barb

What’s what?

Jason

Those.

Barb

Those are my breasts.

Jason

I’m talking about your nametag.

Barb

It’s my nametag.

Jason

It says Barbara.

Barb

My name is Barbara. Jesus.

Glo

Here we go.

Jason

It used to say Barb. Where did you get the extra letters?

Barb

What difference does that -

Jason

Did you take them without asking for them?

Sylvia

Jason, please – it’s Christmas.

Jason

Barbara, regulations state that if a name can be reasonably abbreviated on a tag it will be to reduce overhead costs.

Barb

It’s three stinking letters! It can’t cost more than –

Jason

Any cost we incur has to be passed on to the customer and it is our mission to keep prices low. We advertise phantasmagorically low prices and we have to deliver phantasmagorically low prices. Your theft hurts the guests.

Barb

Then take it out of my paycheck! What does it cost? Three cents? Three-tenths of a cent? Take it out of my frickin’ paycheck, coat it with dibutyl phthalate and give it to Sam Exton to suck on for Christmas!! (A bell rings.)

Sylvia

That’s places, everyone! I kind of like being “Syl”. I’ve never had a nickname before. What about you, Glo?

Henry

Battle stations!! (They exit into the store. There is a moment of silence, followed by sounds of screams, trampling, broken glass, crying babies, etc., followed by sirens, which drown out the screams. Blackout.)